***Disclaimer: I'm real. I'm not prefect and never will be. I am who am I - accept it or more on.
Who has more baggage than an airport? ME. Or so I used to joke. I used to tell myself that I was broken. I used to justify my self-sabotage as a reason for my explosive anger and my choice to not connect with other people. I told myself that I am terrible at speaking to men and that I scare them away – being too intense.
I told myself that, “How can anyone ever love you if you don’t love yourself first?
How do you expect to not be like your mother when you live in denial?
How will you ever get out from under the debt, nothing you do seems to be enough.
Don’t get your hopes up, it will only blow up in your face.
If you don’t admit you have feelings, you can lock them away and not deal with them.”
I am a Christian and for a long time, I told myself that it wasn’t enough. God has better things to do than deal with me and my problems. I, like so many others, prayed and worshipped when things were good but as soon as things got tough, I closed the bible. I closed off to God. It’s easy to praise when you have it all under control, when that control goes away, can you still praise?
The problem with being absorbed in yourself and your own problems is that those issues lock you in an iron box. You cannot see past the walls you build around yourself without an outside influence. But we think that we can solve them ourselves, or at least I did.
Recently I had a wake up call. How can I expect to ever be in a meaningful relationship if I don’t put myself out there? So I stepped out and I put a toe in the pond. And right after I did that, the pond imploded – great visual right? My first reaction was to burn bridges, to set fire to it all and remind myself of why I loved being cold and empty emotionally.
Luckily, I have grown a lot since the days of my fire starting. Even more luckily, I have a support system of friends and mentors who can talk some sense into me. Probably the most luckily, I have faith in God’s plan for my life. After a good run and getting my mind in the right place, I calmed down enough to remind myself that I cannot move forward if I’m stuck looking backwards. So what if the pond imploded? There are other ponds and other fish.
Try to remember when things upset you:
1. Use your support system, don't shut down.
2. Get your head right - acknowledge and shut off those negative thoughts.
3. Look for the positive in everything.
Things aren’t always going to work out in my favor. But the great thing about that is that God has a plan. God has a plan that is in His favor and way better than anything I can fathom. I know my worth. That is all that matters.